Uneasy Peace

Well,

Since my last entry my wife and I have reached an uneasy truce. Nothing has actually been said, but she seems content for this brief moment. But that is always the way with her...and with us.

What bothers me is that I try to remain strong for us, but each incident like this last one wears on my little by little, and I know that the day will come where I will completely done with her. What is unfortunate is that I understand she has confidence issues, and she thinks that the whole world is against her, but what I don't understand is 'why' she thinks that.

She wants peace and to not bother with anyone, and now she has that choice. Infact she has little contact with anyone outside of the house if she doesn't want to. That is what she wants isn't it? She always talks about 'people' and how they all snub her, but now she really doesn't have to deal with people, and she just can't let it go. She can't see that she now has what she's asked for and she doesn't like it.

I think that she is a hypocrite and will judge people about their situtaions then turn around and say that she wants to experience those same situations. Or even worse say "its different" when she finds herself stuck in those "bad situations."

And all of this is part of that uneasy peace between us. Again I have gotten her to smile, but she doesn't say she loves me, and will move to take my daughter from me. Like picking her up and walking away when I would be about to.

She is distant, but puts on a show that everything is smoothe. I think she knows that I will cut my losses with her immediately if she continued with her tyrade, as I will not be used as a temporary situation...well at least not openly.

But her selfishness, depression, and anger is deep and unyeilding...she is defensive, and lacks the ability to forgive...even stating that she is dead spiritually. Although I think this isn't entirely true. She refuses to seek help in any department, so I will be the one too take the first step and see what we can do about us.

I've always said that I don't like preparing for the big "D" word, because that implies that it will happen. But I feel that I have no choice, because how many times can I swallow my pride before I start choking on it. How bad will it get before the big "D" word happens...I feel it looming.

...but isn't it our choices that shape our destiny? Isn't that free will?

Why?

Things were going so well. My wife and I were fixing our problems, its been 3 yrs since our wedding and we've hit some pretty large bumps and survived. But it seems that no matter how much I do to make her happy it is never enough.

It never seems that I can win with her, despite all the small victories I've had, by making her smile those many but brief times. I know that she regrets many things, and that she regrets getting married to me. I guess that is what hurts me the most.

Many of the results of our problems stem from me assuming that she would just get along with my family. I was wrong for that as she literally hates my family, despite that all of them, save one, seek to make good by her.

Unfortunately she felt that I lied to her, but I did not lie...however my answers about assuming her acceptance was not a good enough answer for her and after a while I just stopped trying to talk to her.

I need to work now...although I miss my daughter terribly its the only refugee I seem to have remaining as of right now.