Dusting Off

Well, we didn't make it.


Its been nearly 6 months since we seperated with her going back home, and me filing the paperwork. This has been one of the toughest times of my life, and divorcing her feels like some part of me is actually being ripped away from me.


I often meet so many people that don't hold marriage at the same point of sacredness as I do. I was actually proud to say that I was married, the title "Husband" was a point of pride for me. I can say that with all honesty that I never cheated, and even if I looked at other women, my wife (now ex) was mine and precious beyond all the others.


I'm saying this so that how might read this may get the point of how painful it is for me to go through this divorce. But I did it because I was starting to fail as a father and my daughter was beginning to suffer. My ex was starting to openly neglect her and with me feeling so uncomfortable in the house I was not around to see, and partly was beginning to ignore such things.


I'm glad that I noticed soon enough to correct it, but it was when my daughter scolded her leg under the bath faucet that I noticed just how much my ex wasn't concerned about our child.

I was sleeping that day, as I was working nights. I awoke to my daughter screaming her head off, and the skin around her ankle slagging off (3rd degree burn...). I rushed about getting her ready for the hospital, asking my ex for help... but all she was doing was cleaning the house.

When I asked her what she was doing, she replied that people would be coming to inspect our house and it needed to be clean. This was followed about how embarrassed she was and that she didn't want people to see her like this.

That was the last straw, my daughter's leg was blistering up while she was wailing at the top of her lungs, and my ex could only think of herself. And that was when I realized how much she was letting our child lie in bed or stand at the baby gate crying while she slept after downing a bottle of wine or a hefty mixed drink... it was then I knew I had to make a choice, as she wasn't going to let me be a husband and a father... she had already told me that.

So here I am now, my pride stripped from me and feeling like I've been beat to the ground then followed by a good kicking. But I'm back on my feet now and dusting off... hopefully soon I'll be back to where I need to be...

Will we make it?

It's hard sometimes judging how she is going to react. But I know that I am getting tired of all the crap that seems to be popping up.

She complains about how difficult her life is, and all the problems that she has, but I just don't see those problems, and I notice that others don't see them either. She fabricates her problems and the blames others for them. I know that she blames me for things that I've never done.

The largest example was about the difficulty of her pregnancy. She had a rough time with having to be stuck home with my grandmother. It was a mistake I made in thinking they would help eachother...at least be civil with each other, I was blind and naive back then. But that was two years ago, and last November she started in yet again about how I betrayed her.

It was during this arguement that I finally caught onto what she was talking about. That during that conversation she had come across to me that I had to choose between her and my family. When I told her I refused to make that choice she had said "So you want your cake and eat it too." Then during this part of the arguement I said that I didn't care about something...I don't know two years kind of blurrs the details a bit. But I vividly remember thinking that we were still talking about my family and the choice I thought she was giving me (her or them).

But apparently somewhere in this arguement the conversation turned from that to how I felt about her...and my "I don't care," comment referred to how I felt about her. When I outted her about how this happened she blew me off like usual, as she can't stand to be proven wrong.

But now this whole thing about her depression seems like somekind of sick excuse to remain miserable. I don't get it...

Let if be known to anyone who ever reads this, that "If I didn't care...or when I no longer do care...about her I will move on cutting my losses." If I didn't care I would not have tried to keep us together, which has been rough going for this whole marriage.

When I asked her to marry me it felt right. I had thought about it carefully and I knew that we would have our rough times. But what irks me is that she said the I didn't reveal myself, my true self, to her... What the fuck does that mean.

If that was a point of arguement then she didn't reveal to me that she was lazy and self-centered 90% of her waking hours. I have also found her to be very hypicritacal, almost to the point of a fault.

She will speak so badly about certain people (namely country-folk types) and about bigots and racists, then in the very next breath say something exactly as they would say it. I think that is that hardest thing I deal with, is hearing her speak like that. I know that I will do all in my power to make sure our daughter won't think of people as cruelly has my wife does.

There are so manytimes I just want to point it out to her, but I don't because those are usually the few moments of peace we have and I don't want to ruin it, as I know that by the next day she will be ranting about how everyone, especially me is out to destroy her and make her miserable.

And its at those points I just want to scream at her that nobody cares enough to cause her that much woe... and sadly that I am starting to not care enough to try and help her through it.

I pray that I can hold out long enough and see that this is only a stage in her life and not something permanent. Even now I am so close to just moving on.

Keeping Focused

It seems to be the hardest thing I can do lately. Keeping focused on a task enough to accomplish...or even begin. I'm having trouble focusing at work, as I tend to find large aspects of my job boring, and can't even stay focused when doing things I enjoy.

The problem with my job is the biggest problem, but it is even when dealing with my favorite hobby...RPGs. I can't stay focused with a single campaign long enough to get beyond a few games. The sad thing is that the games are really good. Everyone seems to enjoy them, and now that I am playing on OpenRPG its even easier to keep our current game going. But I one the other hand I want to try something new.

Do I want it easier or do I want more control. This stems from my recent dissatisfaction with the d20 system. I know the system inside and out, I can run standard D&D games without even cracking open a book, and make them interesting. Plus EVERYONE seems to play D&D so its easy to find a group.

On the other hand I would really like to play more unisystem. My last game while on vacation went extremely well and I had more fun than I can remember in that game.

Maybe it was the players, but I know that it was also with the game itself. However I know that I will want to switch out of a simple zombie game before long. I would want something with intrigue and high fantasy.

Maybe if I used the unisystem and mixed with a more magic meets technology feel like Shadowrun or Rifts. Something about the rebirth of supernatural powers in humans and the return of the creatures of myth. That would be an interesting apocalytic style game. I'll have to wait and see as there are a lot of things I want to do, but don't really have the time fore.

I sure being on watch will give me a little more time to create something unique and memorable.

Oh well enough rambling for now.

Uneasy Peace

Well,

Since my last entry my wife and I have reached an uneasy truce. Nothing has actually been said, but she seems content for this brief moment. But that is always the way with her...and with us.

What bothers me is that I try to remain strong for us, but each incident like this last one wears on my little by little, and I know that the day will come where I will completely done with her. What is unfortunate is that I understand she has confidence issues, and she thinks that the whole world is against her, but what I don't understand is 'why' she thinks that.

She wants peace and to not bother with anyone, and now she has that choice. Infact she has little contact with anyone outside of the house if she doesn't want to. That is what she wants isn't it? She always talks about 'people' and how they all snub her, but now she really doesn't have to deal with people, and she just can't let it go. She can't see that she now has what she's asked for and she doesn't like it.

I think that she is a hypocrite and will judge people about their situtaions then turn around and say that she wants to experience those same situations. Or even worse say "its different" when she finds herself stuck in those "bad situations."

And all of this is part of that uneasy peace between us. Again I have gotten her to smile, but she doesn't say she loves me, and will move to take my daughter from me. Like picking her up and walking away when I would be about to.

She is distant, but puts on a show that everything is smoothe. I think she knows that I will cut my losses with her immediately if she continued with her tyrade, as I will not be used as a temporary situation...well at least not openly.

But her selfishness, depression, and anger is deep and unyeilding...she is defensive, and lacks the ability to forgive...even stating that she is dead spiritually. Although I think this isn't entirely true. She refuses to seek help in any department, so I will be the one too take the first step and see what we can do about us.

I've always said that I don't like preparing for the big "D" word, because that implies that it will happen. But I feel that I have no choice, because how many times can I swallow my pride before I start choking on it. How bad will it get before the big "D" word happens...I feel it looming.

...but isn't it our choices that shape our destiny? Isn't that free will?

Why?

Things were going so well. My wife and I were fixing our problems, its been 3 yrs since our wedding and we've hit some pretty large bumps and survived. But it seems that no matter how much I do to make her happy it is never enough.

It never seems that I can win with her, despite all the small victories I've had, by making her smile those many but brief times. I know that she regrets many things, and that she regrets getting married to me. I guess that is what hurts me the most.

Many of the results of our problems stem from me assuming that she would just get along with my family. I was wrong for that as she literally hates my family, despite that all of them, save one, seek to make good by her.

Unfortunately she felt that I lied to her, but I did not lie...however my answers about assuming her acceptance was not a good enough answer for her and after a while I just stopped trying to talk to her.

I need to work now...although I miss my daughter terribly its the only refugee I seem to have remaining as of right now.

Pros and Cons

If the opposite of Pro is Con, then I guess the opposite of Progress is Congress